We all have our reasons for attending Yaoi-Con. Some go for the panels. Some go to reunite with friends they haven't seen since the last convention. Some romantics go there hoping to meet Mr. or Ms. Right. Some sex-crazed people go there hoping to meet Mr. or Ms. Right Now. Some go simply to strip out of their clothes in front of an audience of screaming women. And there are some who WANT to strip out of their clothes in front of an audience of screaming women, but the organizers of Yaoi-Con call them scrap and reject them from performing. This is the story of six men who fit in the "scrap" category.

It started with one man who we'll call Jerry--since that was his name--watching the crowds of women going completely crazy over last year's bishounen auction at last year’s 2007's Yaoi-Con. Not only were the women going completely crazy over the stripping men, they were bidding thousands of dollars on the men who didn't seem to have any talent other than showing off their bodies. What can I say? It's a woman's world. Jerry estimated how much money he could potentially rake in after a night of stripping and came up with a brilliant idea: Why not form his own stripper group and perform at this year's Yaoi-Con bishounen auction?

Jerry first turned to his biggest friend Dave. Although Dave would consider himself a fat bastard, Jerry countered that Dave was a bona fide, beer drinking, crotch scratching man. And being an average genuine man (who could sing and dance like a Broadway star) was the one thing they both have as an advantage over those artificial fruity bishounen.

Jerry and Dave later ran into Malcolm, who was feeling emo enough to commit suicide. But being Malcolm's new friends, Jerry and Dave offered instead to kill Malcolm themselves with a big ass rock. Despite his pigeon chest, Malcolm proved to be a useful part of the stripper group by providing rehearsal space. The three men recruited their former employer and current ballroom dancing fiend Harold as their choreographer. Life with Harold proved challenging as he whipped the wannabe strippers into form.

The four held auditions to find two more men for their stripper group. Despite his old age, the token black guy named Horse turned out to be an excellent dancer and praised the benefits of being a big black man. Ethan turned out to be the worst dancer, but made up for his shortcomings with his long... well, you can imagine.

But just like any other con, drama from real life would rear its ugly head during the skit rehearsals. Dave and Harold were hiding their Yaoi-Con plans from their respective wives. If you were planning to strip in front of rabid fangirls for some pocket cash, wouldn’t you hide that from your wife? The secret double life began eating away at their marriages, but Dave and Harold still told their wives, “You rule my world.”

Meanwhile, rehearsals were still going terribly. It’s hard enough stripping to music on your own, but doing so as a choreographed group is much more difficult since everyone has his own vision of what to do and when to do it. Ethan was running up the wall and failing. Harold was ready to quit. But Jerry rallied the men by putting them in a similar mind set that all could relate to: Michael Jordan’s ball. No matter what he thinks about basketball, every man is able to appreciate the way Michael Jordan played his game. Those unable to appreciate Michael Jordan have no right to call themselves real men. And on that note, I take an intermission.

With time running out before Yaoi-Con and the stripper group’s first and hopefully only performance, the six men (now dubbed “Hot Metal”) scrambled to get their act together and register to perform for the Yaoi-Con bishounen auction. Jeanette’s showbiz number reiterated how poorly Hot Metal was rehearsing, which brought up two questions from Hot Metal:

1: Who was Jeanette?
2: And why is she helping them?

Jerry took a break from rehearsal to spend time with his son. He may be a divorced bum with a harebrained scheme of stripping for profit, but at least he is a good father. And his son’s belief in Jerry was a refreshing breeze off the river.

Buzz and ticket sales for Hot Metal were low. Even though Hot Metal showcased the real local man with all of his faults, women wanted a strip show where the men were a fantasy without faults. If they wanted a real local man with all of his faults, they’d turn to their husbands or boyfriends. Jerry thought quickly to generate interest for their act; a little too quickly for his fellow strippers. Real strippers only go so far when stripping and they hide one small detail. Jerry promised that Hot Metal would go all the way and bare everything for everyone in the Full Monty. Hmm, “The Full Monty” would be an interesting Broadway musical title.

Several people panicked once word spread of Hot Metal was going to be fully nude; specifically the members of Hot Metal. During a dress rehearsal (more like an undressing rehearsal), the men compared their physical bodies and worried that the audience would poke fun at them for not having the goods. Later it was revealed that Yaoi-Con would have its first genuinely homosexual pair of men attending the convention when Malcolm and Ethan came out of the closet together.

And the next thing the men knew it was Yaoi-Con. They were ready to strip and the women were ready to tip. But Yaoi-Con was actually being conservative this year and barred them from performing this year due to fears of indecent exposure charges. Yaoi-Con managed to drop many potentially good bishounen auction acts this year for irrational reasons. The logic remains unclear to this day. Angry at being denied his sure money-making scheme, Jerry cursed profusely and caught the attention of a representative of the American Musical Theatre of San Jose. The rep mistook Jerry’s cursing for a spoken word act and instantly signed Hot Metal to perform at the theater in San Jose. Jerry thought about it. This would mean a bigger stage. Cheaper tickets than Yaoi-Con registration meant more people being able to watch them, which meant more money in tips. And the fact they weren’t performing at Yaoi-Con meant they could be regarded as real theater talent instead of attention whores. In an instant, Jerry took all his anger towards Yaoi-Con and let it go. Hot Metal performed in San Jose for a limited engagement that I was able to enjoy before deciding whether to ditch Yaoi-Con Saturday this year. The only complaint I had during the show was when I banged my leg against the corner of a poorly placed table. But luckily I keep painkillers and a cane just in case.

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